Brenda's Story

It was a Sunday in January of 1999 that the pastor spoke about the tiny feet pin he wore on his lapel. I was glad I could not make them out from where I was seated in the church with my friend Roxann, who was gently helping me find my way back to the Lord. My husband and daughter had come with me to church for the first time, so I was surrounded by love as I unknowingly would face the darkest hour of my life — abortion. Just the sound of the word made me feel ill. I thought I had put that ugly chapter of my life in a drawer, locked it up, and thrown away the key forever. I know in my heart that God wanted me to hear the pastor's message, as I felt that drawer being opened and my eyes filling with tears.

I had lost my father less than a year before. He had committed suicide. My world was ripped to pieces, and I had been blindly searching for answers to questions which seemed to have no end. Why did God take him away from me? Was this a punishment? Did I deserve to feel this pain and suffering? I obviously still had much to learn about the nature of our Lord.

As I listened to the pastor speak, I realized the anger which had been burning inside of me toward my father and his choice to end his life was my own self rage. How could I possibly be angry with my father for what he had done when I had chosen to end the life of my unborn child 20 years before?

I had never allowed the image of a child to enter my mind. I couldn't! It was just a fertilized egg, an embryo. It could not feel pain. Isn't that what the counselor at the abortion clinic had told me? Or was it just what I wanted to hear? Sure, I was a young, single mother not knowing if I could support myself and my three-year-old son, let alone another baby. I was scared, ashamed, and felt I had no other alternatives. In my own selfish mind, I rationalized that it was the right choice. If only I had realized that what I thought would be the answer to my problem would, instead, cast a shadow on the rest of my life. Denial is a very dark place to live. It feeds on every bad decision; even sin is magnified, while every positive thing is felt to be undeserved.

After the service, Roxann's husband met us, and there were those tiny feet on his lapel, staring back at me. I could see them now, oh so clearly, perfectly formed. My mind could barely accept the image, but my heart cried out: My child, my poor innocent child. I knew God was speaking to me.

I thought, "I could volunteer at Pregnancy Decision Health Centers (PDHC). I could make up for my tragic mistake by helping others." But the truth was, I was the one who needed help. God knew, and that is why I went to church that Sunday. That is why my dear friend, who was one of the very few people who knew my terrible secret, had prayed for me. Knowing the fragile state of mind I was in after my father's death, she struggled about whether to tell me about the sanctity of life sermon ahead of time. Thankfully, she trusted the Lord's will in the matter.

I thank God for sending me to church that Sunday and opening my eyes to His amazing grace and mercy. "I once was lost, but now I'm found, twas blind, but now I see." I know that this is the path He has chosen for me and that He has walked beside me every step of the way.

The next day, I called PDHC and enrolled in their H.E.A.R.T. workshop (Healing the Effects of Abortion Related Trauma). I found true healing by laying my sins at the foot of the cross. I was finally able to grieve for my unborn child and release the pain I had buried so deeply. I went through the PDHC volunteer training program and have been volunteering there, ministering to struggling moms-to-be, and counseling young women who are abortion-minded. I am able to share my testimony and God's truth at the PDHC Medical Clinic where we offer free ultrasounds. I also help answer the 24-hour hotline to help prevent others from making the same mistake I made.

I no longer feel the need to "right my wrong." Jesus has already done that for me. I just want to share with others the love and compassion that He has given so graciously to me. I pray for God's blessing on the staff and clients at PDHC who give more to me than I could ever hope to return. Thanks be to God for the blessing they have been in my life.